Today's post is going to be very very personal and today is not the best day for me but I feel like writing about it will be somewhat therapeutic for me, or at least I hope it will be.
Basically, I have never had the best of luck with friendships, something always goes wrong. Let's just start from the beginning I guess. (No names will be mentioned)
So during this time I was friends with three other girls and our mothers were all really close and it was great. Until the middle of third grade. I was not in a class with any of them and we kind of just were't close at all and I don't remember if there was like a defining moment where I was no longer apart of the little group but I just wasn't friends with them anymore and I was kind of booted out. This then caused awkwardness with my mom and their moms and it was just a terrible situation.
From September-Mid October I had 0 friends, but it was in 4th grade so it wasn't that bad because you had to sit with your class at lunch and somehow it worked out. I don't really remember what I did during this time during recess or whatever. So near the end of October I met my best friend in 4th grade and life was amazing and perfect and everything was working out... and then I was told that we were moving to Switzerland. So that pretty much sucked.
When I first moved to Switzerland I became best friends with this really tall girl and we got along so well and had so many things in common, but halfway through the year she ditched me for other friends which really really hurt and I was really upset about this. But life went on and I became friends with these other 3 girls and we became really close and we were all in the same class in sixth grade.
Summer Before Sixth Grade:
So at this time we went back to the U.S. for a vacation. Me and my best friend from 4th grade decided we would have a sleepover and another one of our friends came! It was great until we got into a bit of a fight and it was really awkward and we just fought so much and there was a lot of drama filled emails once I got back to Switzerland. We eventually worked things out but we never saw each other again and we never talk.
Ahhhh middle school. So like I said I was in the same class as my three friends and we were kind of a group but what bothered me was that there was one girl in the group who was everyones "favorite". So I started to venture out because it was frustrating to me to text the girl and ask if she wanted to hang out only to get a response saying that she's with another girl in the group. Venturing out is probably the biggest mistake I've made. So near the end of 6th grade I became really close friends with this other girl who we'll call Jan.
So over the summer I was extremely nervous because i really really wanted Jan to be in my class. However she was not. But the really tall girl from 5th grade was as well as a new girl. The really tall girl was best friends with another girl we'll call Lisa. Lisa and Jan were in the same class. So Lisa, Jan, tall girl, and three others became really close friends. This was also my last year in Switzerland which I 100% knew and so did every body else. It was great but I was kind of a follower. I wasn't independent at all. If someone said they liked something I would agree with it even if I didn't like it. Two weeks before the last day of school they all stopped talking to me. It was horrible. I cried every day and I was always alone. I had no idea why they stopped talking to me they just did. It was really hard and it was hard for my mom to see me so upset. I was really looking forward to getting a fresh start.
We moved to a new town, this is where I live now. Right off the bat I became friends with these two other new girls. But we were all extremely different and after a few months we weren't as close but we still sat at lunch together with other people. I never really had a group in 8th grade I was just friends with the people I sat with at lunch. Then I became best friends with a girl we'll call Liza. Liza and I talked all the time until like 3am. Liza was best friends with a girl called "Lou". Lou and I did dance together. She had previously dated a guy called "James". I started to like James a lot. Lou basically thought I was taking over her life and turned Liza against me. But I was also friends with Lou at the time. I had no idea that she was the cause of all of this. Towards the end of 8th grade I got really close with this huge group of girls and that was who I was friends with towards the end of 8th grade and throughout the summer. I also became really close with Lou funnily enough. Lou started dating James' best friend and I started dating James.
I was still dating James, and I was still close with Lou but I wasn't really apart of the big group of girls. I sat with a bunch of girls at lunch but I wouldn't really hang out with them outside of school. I pretty much only hung out with James, or James, his best friend and Lou. I lost of friends because of my relationship with James but I didn't realize it until James and I started fighting a lot towards the end of the school year. I didn't have a group of friends really and I was alone if I wasn't with James. So in June James and I fought a lot but we didn't break up until July. We dated for a year and he was my best friend. He's really different now and it makes me sad to see that but there's nothing I can do about that.
So now I've just started 10th grade. I became really close with one of my friends and I consider her my best friend but we're both kind of lost when it comes to friends. She has a boyfriend who is so nice and he's great but when she is with him I'm kind of alone. Obviously I have friends but they're in other groups or they're just school friends, not really people you hang out with outside of school. I keep telling myself it will get better but it hasn't. Just writing this has made me realize how much friendship shit I've gone through.
I know that there is so much worse that could be happening to me right now and that there are people who have it so much worse than me but I was always told not to minimize my own problems. I don't know if anyone will read this but I hope that it wasn't too long or too boring. If any of you ever felt the same as me, share your story. We will get through it together.
Love you all,